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Saturday, January 04, 2014

I got married when I was 23, and it was freaking awesome, you dope

Someone on facebook posted this "hilarious" blog, "23 Things To Do Instead Of Getting Engaged Before You’re 23," and by "hilarious," I mean "dumb." Normally I wouldn't take the time to respond to "dumb" things, but I am sick and my desktop is on the fritz, so what the hell.

I'm 33, and I got married 10 years ago — when I was 23! It was not something I expected myself to do, but funny thing: it has been freaking awesome. As you can see from previous entries on this blog, we have a total freaking blast being married.

I'm not even going to touch the actual post, with its statistics that are older than the author, and bizarre assumptions that we stop developing dreams and selves after marriage. I'm just going to look at the author's funny-ass list.

1. Get a passport.

Hahaha, guess what, I got an EXTRA passport when I got married. Now I have TWO. Beat that, sucka!

2. Find your “thing.”

Assuming you mean life calling, yeah, I found that (music composition) the year after I got married. Getting married and moving halfway around the world actually helped me find it.

3. Make out with a stranger.

I guess I did that semi-regularly back when I was an actor; again, I only started acting on a regular basis after I got married. But I can tell you from my teenaged experiences that sometimes this action leads to glandular fever a.k.a. mono, and that is definitely not something you really want to do, so no, I do not recommend.

4. Adopt a pet.

Does five cats count? Huh? FIVE CATS? (One died.) Did you know: adopting four-cats-at-once as a couple makes you only half as crazy as you would be if you adopted four cats as a single person. It's science.

5. Start a band.

Hahaha, I started a band WITH MY HUSBAND, booyah.

6. Make a cake. Make a second cake. Have your cake and eat it too.

I do this all the time. Also, when we got married, and at our tenth anniversary party, we had five-plus cheesecakes in different flavors, and we ate the shit out of them, together.

7. Get a tattoo. It’s more permanent than a marriage.

OMG, I got a tattoo this year, and also the year before, check them out! My husband says they are cool:

8. Explore a new religion.

I'm not sure what you mean by "explore," but I find this a little culturally appropriative.

9. Start a small business.

I did. It's cool, my husband helps out.

10. Cut your hair.

Pshaw, I am so much more hardcore. I cut my own hair, and I dye it too. And I cut my husband's hair when he asks. (Right now he has a mohawk, because marriage is so punk rock like that.)

11. Date two people at once and see how long it takes to blow up in your face.

This is a really stupid idea. Unless the two people are into it, in which case, it is called polyamory, and some people are OK with that, and that is OK.

12. Build something with your hands.

I renovated our goddamn house. Myself. With my hands. My husband helped. It was cool. Then we rented it out, which makes us landlords, or as I prefer, "landed gentry."

13. Accomplish a Pinterest project.

OK, you got me, I don't really know what this means. I guess I married too young to understand.

14. Join the Peace Corps.

I could not have joined the Peace Corps because I was not a US citizen before I got married! I guess I could join the Peace Corps now but I am kind of busy becoming a doctor.

15. Disappoint your parents.

Hahaha, done and done: I'm not becoming that kind of doctor!

16. Watch GIRLS, over and over again.

I can't; I don't have HBO and I don't feel like pirating it. Can I just watch the X-Files again?

17. Eat a jar of Nutella in one sitting.

Pffft, why not get married AND eat a jar of Nutella in one sitting?

18. Make strangers feel uncomfortable in public places.

We have done this so many times since getting married it is not even funny! My husband's special is donkey noises.

19. Sign up for CrossFit.

We have friends who are really into CrossFit, but I would rather sign up for kung fu. No offense to CrossFit people, but ... I think kung fu is cooler than CrossFit. Is that because I married so young? Who knows.

20. Hangout naked in front of a window.

Every morning, baby. The window has blinds though. Well, sometimes when the blinds are open, my husband and I make jokes about showing our privates to everyone in the neighborhood, and how we shouldn't really do that because our privates are for EACH OTHER ONLY because MARRIAGE and SANCTITY.

21. Write your feelings down in a blog.


22. Be selfish.

Oh god, you're a freaking Shruggalo, aren't you?

23. Come with me to the Philippines for Chinese New Year.

And hang out with a Shruggalo? Pass.
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