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Thursday, December 23, 2010

Ruining a Christmas carol for 40% of Americans.

About a week ago, just in time for the holidays, Gallup released a poll which shows that a staggering 40% of Americans believe in young-earth creationism. 37% of college graduates. 22% of postgrads. And while many media outlets are trying to spin this positively by focusing on the slight increase in the number of people who accept evolution, the incredible fact remains that in the richest country in the world, education is so poor and stupidity so rife that four in ten people think that the world was formed over the course of a week sometime in the last 10,000 years, and the all-magical God is just trying to troll us with all those fossils and geological records.

Every time I hear about the results of this poll, which Gallup conducts every one or two years, I lose a little faith in America.

This year, though, I had a brainwave after staying up until 5:10AM to finish the last assignment of the semester (a set of miniature piano etudes framed as a pseudo-scientific experiment, if you must know).

"Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" is ALL about evolution.

I have come to kill your God.

That's right, creationists, if you insist upon sticking your fingers in your ears and shouting lalalalala every time someone tries to apply scientific logic to observations of life on this planet, you should stop singing this carol or watching the film and get rid of all your Rudolph merchandise immediately.
Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer
had a very shiny nose
and if you ever saw it
you would even say it glows.
Essentially, Rudolph had a (we assume spontaneous) genetic mutation which gave him a different trait to the rest of the reindeer population.
All of the other reindeer
used to laugh and call him names
they never let poor Rudolph
join in any reindeer games.
At first, his shiny nose appears to have been a harmful mutation. He was shunned socially (devastating to a herd animal such as a reindeer) and, we presume, sexually ("reindeer games").
Then one foggy Christmas eve
Santa came to say:
"Rudolph with your nose so bright
won't you guide my sleigh tonight?"
OH SNAP. As sometimes happens, conditions changed, and suddenly Rudolph's scarlet incandescent mutation turned out to be beneficial after all. Rudolph had a clear advantage over the wild-type reindeer in dealing with the new environmental stresses.
Then how the reindeer loved him
as they shouted out with glee (yippee)
"Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer
you'll go down in history."
The reindeer "loved" him. Yeah, I don't need to spell that out.

Awwwwww, yeeeeeah.

We can assume that as a result, the red-nose mutation was able to spread rapidly through the reindeer population, and if future Christmases were equally foggy, the offspring of Rudolph would continue to be naturally selected for their advantageous trait. It is possible that, at some point in the future, all of Santa's reindeer will have glowing red noses.

"Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" was practically written by Charles Darwin. We're in ur children's minds, killin your faith-based beliefs. Bitches.
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