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Monday, November 08, 2010

The problem with composing

If I'm blogging November, the busiest month of my life (I sincerely hope it doesn't get any busier than this, because I'm not getting any younger), I'm probably going to be whining a lot, so apologies in advance. To compensate, I'm going to try to find at least one good(ish) thing to say about every situation, as in my election post.

I often suffer from that crippling self-doubt which I understand is almost universal amongst creative artists. I assume it's the root of writers' block. The force that stands in opposition to my self-doubt is pressure, but the interplay between the two is a delicate balancing act governed by some kind of chaotic equation I have yet to solve.

Self-doubt, a giant obese and belching monster of a thing, sits on one end of a see-saw. As pressure builds (deadlines loom, performers ask for music, professors look disapprovingly at my output, I look disapprovingly at my output), it adds weight to the other side of the see-saw. The see saw needs to be at a slight angle, with the pressure outweighing the self-doubt just so, for me to compose successfully. If the pressure builds too high, however, the see-saw suddenly tips in that direction (the fulcrum is a bit faulty) and the flabby self-doubt is catapulted off its perch and lands on my head, crushing me with its FUPA.

Unfortunately, lately this relationship has operated in such a way that I feel the perfect amount of pressure to write something immediately before I'm scheduled to have a composition lesson. Then, of course, as soon as I get started, I have to stop in order to attend said lesson.

This is a really stupid way of doing business, Brain. I see you defeating yourself, and I'd like it to stop, please.

The silver lining is that I think I like the thing I'm writing this particular morning-before-lesson.
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